Thursday, September 28, 2006

Restructuring Me...

So many thoughts
So many ways
So much of thinking
So much of chaos
A little in my head, so much of what I said
Not wanting a word from it to fade
Yet cant keep it all unsaid

Simple yet complicated that’s life for me
‘coz everyday a new picture is what I see
in silence words perpetuate through my head
making me think of all that I said
a sudden voice comes over from away
which inside myself helps me stay
but all these thghts and all these words
what do I do of them they fly like birds
to be the best is what everyone strives
in the rat race running to see who shines
how long will I run, how long will I climb?
A reason to strive in this unaware loneliness
A reason to structure the unsaid mess
Where do I go from here I dunno
But somehow someday ill surely know

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Life in G

It all started in a strange manner... sudden explosion of joy and happiness...getting selected to NID was not a small thing..it was like a dream come true....but somewhere down the line it wasnt seeping thrgh..
And in a blink of an eye ... i was here in Gandhinagar,... somewhere in the middle of the forest...all alone... waiting for isolation all these i never thought god would listen to me so precisely..
With all the excitement ... suddenly came the interaction time....suddenly i started doubting my decision.. questioning my self existence in this place...
But interaction helped a lot...brought lots of us together... and helped us bring out a new us..
After interaction life changed drastically... it was like a giant family ... living breathing in the same space ... seniors who were almost villians in our life in interaction were changing to good frnds ...
Life has changed... is what i keep saying everytime...'coz it is different here.... i am free ... isolated yet...living my life my way.... studying in an institution like NID is a pride of its own....after all i had never seen any place like this in my life,,,,somethings change...sometimes 4 good...and here i am to live a new life... a new sunrise

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

final night in mumbai....

ready to walk alone...
a new road to walk on...
cant still belive it... tomm will be my last day in mumbai... strange feeling ... first time outside mumbai...all by myself... i belive ill grow...learn more things which i always thght i was good at but wanted to test out... now is the time... another challenge in life ...walkin to the new horizon... ...bahut sari baatein unkahi reh gayi... bahut sari cheeje adhuri reh gayi... lekin...jo le ja raha hu woh bhi kuch kam nahi... nayi subah dekhni hai isiliye purani yaadein chodneka gum nahi...chale hum us disha jahan pehle na gaye they... bus unki yaad satayegi...akele main kabhi kabhi woh yaad aayegi...

carrying memories.. and lots of thoughts...lots of dreams... and ofcourse...my confidence along with me....

Monday, June 12, 2006

Life---phase 2

Restarting life....press any key to continue...

if only a restart was that easy.... but when lots of things are sorted out....life seems to be lighter....although running away from feelings has been an old habit...but this time its not running away its more about learning to be patient..... a silent meet with someone can teach u so many things... things about u ...things about the way u percieve the world....sometimes in life i belive taking a pause and looking around helps.... small droplets of happiness need to be lived....she sez " living life one day at a time" well so do i have to...
New challenges ... new place.... new life??? same life in a new way...
i remember shaans song ..."tanha dil" at this time.....but loneliness is a choice not a circumstance,,, culdnt say all that i wnated to... but well...i think i shld give myself some time.... some time to learn to be someone... to reach a height where i can be proud of... my parents can be proud of...and top of all she can be proud of.... if the truth exists let it come out when it does naturally.... i need to give time... time to myself... time to others.... coz time is the greatest test of all....who am i to decide... after all a failure once in that area....
Living alone has always been my motive.... i know others will move on....but i wont...ill owe them all my life... coz not everyone changes lifes....

One girl breaks ur life... one grl makes ur life....but all this, where it takes ur life... is all that u can decide....

happiness comes back... this time with a different taste... its new and its different... but somehow i need to take it slow and easy....coz even this cup is infested with the poison of distance... but will have to learn to live with distance and i surely know where all the confidence will come from......

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Lost!!!!

lost in the imagery of unsaid silence
i seek some one , i feel her absence
but wat do i seek in this hazy forest of thoughts
god has been so gracios to giv me lots
still unsatisfied this heart lies lost
searching for the light to show it the way
i see a dim shadow , so there must be light
all i can say is tht i cant fit it in my sight
one day for sure ill find my way
why shld i repent if it is not today

Wednesday, May 31, 2006


Its raining outside….I don’t feel like sleeping…and what constraints do I have now? … just a few more days of this freedom…Ended up the NID courier today….i realized I delayed it unnecessarily… dealt the whole situation like a kid…Weekends incident really frustrated me to my limits … perhaps I am too much a perfectionist at times… and when things don’t go my way… I just get disoriented… don’t know why... I need to change but … I don’t think I was making a big request anyways…
Sometimes I wonder do I expect more than I should. Or is it just my destiny, my fate, when it comes to relationships I am not lucky,…Perhaps deep down I am not meant for relationships so deep. … and I keep running to get them when I know somewhere down the line I will fail….
Life is strange at times …on oneside it gives u mountains of happiness and then u expect more… I think I shld not ask for more from god… what if in one department I may not succeed but he has been really kind to me over others…

I miss working in MAQ….i resigned last week but it still hasn’t seeped into me…those excessive hrs of working… pushing myself to unsaid limits just to keep any other thoughts away….well not all succeded…but good news was I felt satisfied in MAQ….a sense of victory on getting permanent and finally getting projects like bNano under Dilip was mind blowin….

I will be back to a students seat now… studying and trying to improvise… dunno how the whole scene will be but … will hope that it turns out to be fun… have to meet a lots of people over the weekend… plus sis is coming….have to do shopping….phew!!! will be really a lot to do…and here I am busy writing a blog hehe…

With a reason to live I started this way
I walked I crawled and got thrgh everyday.
With dreams in my eyes I kept walking my way
Until I reached a new road today

It’s a new journey to start with a new zest
Its time to transit leaving the rest
New dreams new world, new things to do
Yet old thoughts will stay lingering too
Some tell me to leave all old things behind
And new knots and bonds I should find…
But it aint easy to always leave my past
It aint easy to unbelive things so fast
But with these virtual knots how much more time?
Need to tie them for real or draw the line….
How easy to say but difficult to do
To change from the old into the NEW….

Monday, May 01, 2006

Strange Relationships

Expectations. We all keep expectations from everyone, deep down inside fearing to be unheard by anyone. But today I realized how it feels on the otherside. Knowing someone’s story makes you understand that person more deeply. Sometimes its very easy to just say some things just for our own selfish wants and emotional needs. But it aint easy knowing the otherside, and understanding someones problems or for that instance even understanding their life.

Life is so complicated for everyone of us, wanting to do so many things but never have an iota of time to do anything. In the complex tree of relationships getting lost in the cloud of persuasion is so easy. “ U don’t have the time for me” everyone loves to say that but never realizes for who all can a person actually have the time? And do relationships solely float on mere formal communications just becoz u have to? Humans have come to find solutions to most complex of all problems. But when it comes to problems in relationships the odd agony aunt is consulted. I belive a solitary life seems to be the best solution at such times…. Living by ourselves just to be what u want to be “do hell with the world” but is it that easy, the world then starts cribbing you are a hermit, selfish pig. They think all you care about is you. I ask is it wrong to care about myself? Is it wrong to think about me apart from the thousands of useless people I care for all my life, I need me and I shall have it. Do hell with the world is not the only solution.but I think I decide what I will do, becoz I am the leader of my life….

She needs to think in these lines now, I don’t know why but I started thinking for her problems….It does seem to be thoughtful at times to think for someone else, clears the way even I think about myself, where sometimes I am good sometimes I am bad… but that’s the way I am …and that’s really me, accept me or forget me…

Hope to see everyone smiling forever, makes me feel better that way too…

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Thinking again!!!!!!

Motivation books help you get motivated, technical books help you understand things but after all you need to decide by yourself what you need to do. I believe people can tell you what to do on the basis of what they have perceived with their eyes, they can never see the world from what you see or what you want to see.
My thoughts may just turn out to be irrelevant to someone else but they do mean a lot to me at times. I think that is what makes us all human, an ability to think out of what we see.
A farmers son who has just seen the farms all his life aspires to be a farmer. He has no idea what it may just be to work in a software firm. But the moment he understands what it is or for that matter understands how much he can earn from it he aspires to be one. The exposure to knowledge gives us the ability to choose. But then comes the question of excessive information. Lets take an example that one person knows that a road from A to B is via C and does not know any other road. He blindly follows that road or he tries to find a new road if he has the belief there is another road. But what about a person who knows that the journey A to B can be covered by road C,D,E,… and numereous other ways how does he decide whch one to choose? I belive this is the simple case of information overload these days. I personally had the uncanny prveledge to go through this mess and perhaps I go through it everyday. Sometimes I feel ignorance is really a bliss in such cases because you need to put that extra thought to choose the right road to your destination and even if you do start the journey on one road the fear that the other could have been better is always there. But that’s life god gives you roads to choose the one you choose is your choice and becomes your destiny.
Somewhere down the line I feel free will exists and even god doesn’t want to hamper it. He gives u the choices, the alternatives as per your ability and then u have the free will to decide where you want to go. So that way every person is responsible for his own destiny.

I walk alone becoz I dream
I choose my path becoz I live
And live my life as my eyes perceive
Confusing I wander searching the unknown
Just hoping someday ill find myself in this smog of endless periphery…

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Why do i expect????/

i waited for you but you never came
life these dez is never the same
how much ever i try to runaway
i end up thinking of you everyday
i somehow know you dont feel the same
it aint your fault you arent to be blamed
its just me and ill get through this
only difference being this time you ill surely miss.....

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Thoughts

Thoughts, they keep wandering in my brain like the wind all around. Sometimes turbulent sometimes calm but they are always there. Sometimes too many sometimes simple but weird,they harass me they help me whatever they do they keep me alive.

The other day I was traveling by train, there was this person in front of me middle aged continuosly talking, since I was totally brain fucked tht day I didn’t want to listen to anything except silence, but his just being there let me into thinking something different. I have realized there are 3 types of people one type who do lots of things in life they keep rigging their ass out and doing all things possible but selflessly. In this class we have three types according to their speech character. Some of them keep talking about all that they do selflessly, and keep saying it in the most diplomatic yet expressive manner. Take for example the middle-aged man who was sitting in front of me, he was talking about “all the secrets he knows about the boss and how his boss has been taking dinner with him and how he tries to avoid all the bribes that come his way…”, he may be lying or speaking the truth but he was expressing it out in front of two other people who were quiet silent in the whole conversation. This category of people do things for sure but ruin it all by saying it all aloud, although the person himself may not be aiming at impressing others by the way he did things or perhaps must be just wanting to validate his status with others to boost his self confidence but others sometimes end up thinking he is always showing off, which in turn makes him the odd egoistic joker in the society.
The second type of people are those who selflessly do things but yet don’t speak a word, they sulk internally thinking that no one cares of what they are doing. They keep thinking if I say it out it may just look like a show off so better not get it in public. This makes them seem to be silent (although they are talking at the top of their voices inside themselves). These people miss out the public acceptance phase which the first kind tried to get by constant blabbering.
Then there are the third kind who are really difficult to get because they have an eternal balance between the first two kinds. They are silent when needed and speak out not to impress anyone but to inform in case need be. The third kind is actually not a category it is just a temporary state I feel because a person tends to swing between the first two kinds depending on his surroundings and the people he may be interacting with.
The second base type can be those who work all for themselves, they have a pride possession of ME. The first base type (selfless types) are not really worried about the ME factor, for them the community or the organization they work for is more important. It’s about wanting to do maximum work The second base type are more self centered and the so called egoistic people. Well initially I used to believe and that’s what has been taught to us since our child hood is that this type of self centered attitude is not a good thing. But I see that in this class there are things which are worth observing.
Most of the highest successful people were self centered. I wouldn’t want to name them here but I deduce this by the way they dealt with situations. This does not mean in anyways that having a great ego about you is a great big achievement. But here comes a thin line between being self centered egoistic pig and being a person who wants to do things for his own growth also known as self respect.
The difference between these two terms EGO and SELFESTEEM has always been really invisible in the eye of society. If someone is doing something for himself he becomes egoistic, I disagree to this completely. To have self esteem is to do something for your own good, for your own level of success, but when you start doing that at others cost or hurting others just trying to do what you want only that is when EGO comes into picture. Ego is something like the upper extreme of self esteem.
Then there is the third type they balance their personal goals with the goals of the organization or whatever they work for. They have something they want to be and something they want to achieve. They sometimes are discarded in the society as crazy fanatic people or sometimes egoistic. The society does not worry about understanding them until they do something for it. It must be really a difficult thing to be in this state of mind. And hence maximum successful people at the top belong to this category.

So what is ideal? What should one strive to be? Well only if I knew I would be that person, a successful one but I believe I have been many times in all the positions specified above, sometimes one sometimes the other. That’s what we humans keep doing. How much ever we try to put up masks and roam around in the world outside, there is a true face inside, something which we answer to something that only we know clearly, vividly.